i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
