did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Randomize
