I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
