I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
