I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
