you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
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