I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Randomize
