remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize
