I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
FUCK WHALES
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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