just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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