I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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