You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
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