my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
They left me at home... I'm a liability
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
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