I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
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