I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
