he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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