and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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