he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
