The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
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