Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Randomize
