I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Randomize
