why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
Is it penis luge time yet?
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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