Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
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