Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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