DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
