shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
