I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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