She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I posted her number in the m4m casual encounters area of Craigslist.
I guess her always saying "gay men love me!" will finally get put to the test.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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