my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
