Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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