In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Randomize
