i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
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