She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Randomize
