Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Randomize
