Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
farters have to be the big spoon...
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Randomize
