Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
