I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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