Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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