I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
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