You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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