I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
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