Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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