When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Randomize
