When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
Randomize
