i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
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