I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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