I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
