dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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