I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
