On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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