I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
