Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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