Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
