I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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