Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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