hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Also, beer. Big fan.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
