I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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