If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
he told me I talked like a deaf person
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I need a burrito and a hug.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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