You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
