____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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