okay pat passed out under dana's car
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Randomize
