oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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