I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
there's paper in my vomit.
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
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