You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
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