ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
