If i come over, it means nothing
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
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