Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Randomize
