Swine flu. Run for my life!
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
Duck Duck Cougar?
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Randomize
